Blame Your Brain

think·er: a person with highly developed intellectual powers, especially one whose profession involves intellectual activity

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Every day, you go to work with your own feelings and thoughts – and so does everyone else. Throughout the course of the day, conflicts pop-up around personality differences, not complying with rules and policies, botched communication, and competition. More than mere annoyances, conflicts can serve as unique opportunities to change the way we think and positive change. Facing conflicts is a choice and you’ve got 3 options. Pick one:

1. Ignore it. Hoping that a conflict will resolve itself can have disastrous short and long term effects. Failing to acknowledge the people involved in the conflict and refusing to find a resolution can destroy trust.
2. Give Advice. Taking responsibility for solving a problem often backfires. Once you assume that you’ve got the answers and decide not to engage the other person, you alienate them. It becomes difficult for them to trust you and accept your advice.
3. Collaborate to resolve the conflict. Initiating an outcome-focused dialogue encourages both parties to engage in conflict resolution. When the other person helps to create the solution, they are motivated and willing to taking action.

In Quiet Leadership, neuroscientist and author David Rock explains why Option 3 works best at work. As we see in his video Learning About the Brain Changes Everything, a collaborative approach encourages your listener to truly take action on your solution.

Starting at birth, the circuitry of our brain is molded by our life experience – every sound, taste, thought, feeling, idea and action. We have a unique way of storing organizing, managing and retrieving information. When we are in a conflict with a colleague, we unconsciously assume that the other person’s brain is wired like ours. Convinced that our own solution is viable, we share the specifics with our colleague. It’s only when we tune-in to their body language that we can see the resistance that makes it difficult for them to act on the suggestion. Not convinced? Think back over your week. How much solicited and unsolicited advice did you receive? How much of it was truly useful? How often were you inspired to take action?

Teaming-up to resolve conflicts is a two-step process.

Step 1: Approach with a plan. You’ve done your homework and set-up a face-to-face meeting. Try adapting the 6 Steps to Transforming Performance that’s outlined in Fumi Barr’s review of David Rock’s book, Quiet Leadership.

Step 2. Be a confident, curious and effective listener. Take chances. Do the unexpected. Help people think and tap into their brilliance to solve problems and co-create solutions with you.
“The best form of listening comes in playing the same role for the other person that a trampoline plays for a child. It gives energy, acceleration, height and amplification.” – What Great Listeners Actually Do

Step 2 is easier said than done. To help, we’ve made a START TALKING! Listening Checklist, inspired by What Great Listeners Actually Do.

1. Create a Constructive and Dynamic 2-way Dialogue

• Lead with curiosity and focus on the other person
• Ask simple open-ended questions to promote discovery and new insights
• Listen to what is actually being said instead of thinking of your next words
• Acknowledge what you’re hearing and progress being made
• Carefully and constructively challenge old assumptions
• Acknowledge emotions without assuming a cause
• Use if/then questions to explore alternatives
• Expand ideas with clarifying questions
• Disagree in ways that stretch (not squash) ideas
• Listen through the silence for breakthroughs and “aha” moments
• Redirect the conversation if emotions are getting overwhelming

2. Bolster the Other Person’s Confidence

• Specify what you are there to discuss and your timeframe
• Eliminate distractions and provide a safe environment
• Facilitate the free and open exchange of ideas
• Focus on the actions they took, not them as a person
• Withhold criticism or judgement
• Use words and body language that convey your confidence in them

 3. Make Suggestions – Once You’ve Gotten Their Permission

• Give feedback that opens-up new paths for consideration
• Share ideas and experience without centralizing yourself in discussion
• Document ideas as they arise

4. Reflect on the Outcomes, and Move Forward

• What worked, specifically?
• Where did I break the flow? Was it an isolated event or a pattern?
• What did I learn about myself and my listening style?
• Can I prepare better next time?
• How constructive was my dialogue initiation?
• Did I navigate the conversation effectively?

Schedule a free introduction to our 5 Step START TALKING plan – available as a seminar, webinar or coaching program, today.
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Let’s celebrate your conversation success stories – and inspire and educate others, please email the specifics.